In the Desert, waiting

Depthless, depthful, never ending, never beginning

Echoing into itself, tickling every part of my body’s soul

My form moving, accepting weight of…water or breath

It’s all in my head; most things are,
or at least they come to me in that way

My eyes, my fingers, eye contact

Touch, breath

Dreamsleep, doesn’t matter which side

I had really forgotten this feeling existed

I doubted that it did ever, at all

Everything feels heavier

Softer

Harder

Oh god

I remember this

She was….

Her

Me

Where did you go? Where have you been?

Who was I this whole time?

Everything can suddenly have this rhythm,
it’s unfair to have taken this away from me

Being alive, the beingness of being alive tickles

My skin

Maybe that’s why I have so many freckles

My hair changes color in the sun, like my skin

I can see inside your leaves

Let me water you

Just believe me I know this is what I am supposed to do

I can feel it

I can feel it

That’s why I can’t sleep

It’s too exciting I could stare into nothing

I could talk forever

I would say everything ….but it still wouldn’t make sense, maybe

So that’s why I would paint

That’s why I paint

And yet still it doesn’t make perfect sense the way it does without me ever having tried to explain it in the first place

So, I sing, and harmonize with this old guitar

And my feet, hardened on the soles from years of barefooting.

Bleeding and scarred. But I like it that way,

When I wash them and my hands they become clean like that

The way that other people tell me is good but I don’t feel pure

Like when I put my hands into the earth, into the water,

My poor mother’s body … I can see through her leaves…

If I kept walking, the way I think my legs would like to do

I would find you in the desert, waiting

Circling my dead flesh like a scavenging bird,

Dark feathers, patient and hungry

Wings flap, heart flutter, wolf cry why

Did I ever leave this?

I don’t want to leave this

But I’m already on my way back

Because someone else was telling me this isn’t a productive place to be

But I guess I could stay here forever

Let me just dive as deep as I can if I never return

Know there’s no other place I should be

This might seem strange to all of these dolls without wings or gills to guide them through thicker mediums like this kind of feeling, this moment.

Please please… please… I want you to know her. I want to be that way….

My words just cannot go there so forgive me if you’re reading this or hearing this and thought it was a poem or a story, it’s only a failed attempt to show you what I mean… and maybe you already know what I mean so maybe I can stop here and wait, until we meet again.

Image credit: Jessica Glass, 35mm film, 2009

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